This morning the most frightening thing happened to me. I questioned myself. It wasnt the fact that i questioned myself that scared me, because i do that all the time, but the subject of the matter. I asked myself why something that i do is so important to me, why i allow it to be one of the most important things in my life and why i push other people away in hopes of the outcome i want. When really it could never circum to what i want. So i woke up this morning and i was tired of it. I feel like i am chasing my tail. I am not patient and i dont know if want to be. See, I dont know if it is just a phase of my week or something real. So, im thinking deeply about it analyzing my every breath to make sure that if it is somehting that i decide not to do anymore than i am completely okay with it and confident in my decision or if it is something i decide not to do, i can be confident in that too. I will understand why this is so special to me. After thinking endlessly about it so far all day, i need to push it away. I need to not make it so important to me. I mean it is and it should be, but i need to make it like i dont care. It will cause me less stress and aggrivation. I feel like i need to help myself understand that its almost in the hands of fate. I think i play the most mind games with myself.

If anyone is confused, you should be becuase you dont understand, im not going to tell you, and im not going to talk about it with you.



I was reading my friend Parker's Xanga and he is a really amazing writer. This really intrigued me so i wanted to put it here:

Pain

Our lives are defined by the pain that we suffer, not our happiness...the friends that we have lost, ones that we have let go, times that our hearts have been broken...Any one of these events can wash away so many happy moments and yet it take so many of these good moments to take away just one painful experience

Now that our lives have been defined, what are you going to do with it...Are you going to succumb to the pain and wallow in your own misery...Or will you rise above the pain and become a better person...Perhaps you will seal away your heart in a steel cage, allowing no one to get close enough to hurt you any more.

I have done all there and have found for me the best way to deal with the pain is to embrace, shower my soul with it and force myself to confront...Hiding from the pain will do nothing because it will always be there waiting for you to let your guard down.

Besides without the pain what proof do we have that we are actually alive

-Parker's Xanga