Its amazing to me how people think they know me but they have no idea.

Anyways, Mr Gailes said something that felt genuine today. So, it made me feel good. He told me that my testing was good.

But i get confused to whether he is doing his job, or really cares. And the first one stays dominant in my head. Because of how a person treats me when i am not in class.

I get so frustrated with taekwondo. People dont know me, then they will act like they do. Then they will be nice to me. Than i get confused.

I realized that:
-The more i dislike a person, the more nice i make myself be to them.
-The more i am uncomfortable, the more i resort to being happy/hyper
-The more i am scared of pissing someone off, the more i talk about happy things.
-The more i'm annoyed, the more direct i am.
-The more tired i am, the more i talk and analyze things.

Its funny how i called someone and told them to call me but i dont count on them ever. If my life depended on it, they would never be there on time or call when i ask, or even text when i text them. God, thats sorta depressing.

Me:

I want: to be treated with respect, to be communicated to, made feel like i'm special to them, to feel important to them.

I need: to be communicated to, them to not need me (i dont want to your momma, or counselor or psychiatrist. i want them to want it badly though.), them to be patient with me, to try to understand me, if not ask.

Dreams: married with kids and love someone more than they can ever imagine.

Goals:
4th Degree Blackbelt
Be independant

My Requirements to even MAYBE have a chance, and even still i dont want a boyfriend and am not looking for one, so it probably would never happen...ha ha ha but this has to happen:

1-Cares about themself
~smells good
~knows how to dress
~carries themself confidently
~shaves (facial hair isnt the issue, i dont want to see your six o'clock shadow 3 days later)
~Healthy: cares about themself physically
~Doesnt smoke/smoke pot
2-Drinking is okay (but not excessively, all the time)
3-Cares about what others think, to an extent
4-Faithful
5-Independant: Doesnt need me
6-Respects me, makes me feel important to them
7-Communicates to me

little extras
~like kids, wants kids
~respectful to my friends and family (doenst have to like them by any means)
~likes animals, being in nature, music, adventure, touch
~open minded
~respects my religious views
~respects my dreams, goals, wants, needs

I have a new obsession. "Id Lie" -Taylor Swift. Its soo cute. It makes me think about all the guys who wish they could have me. haha...I'm so cocky. But its the truth. Lemme give you my list:

Guys:
-Math Class: Tim: Does my math work for me.
-Psychology: Will(is): is my foot rest during psych.
-Lunch: Andy: (has a girl friend) Takes me to lunch and periodically spots me.
-Soc: Brenden: Is a jerk during class, keeps me amused, or becomes my head rest and brings a book so i dont have to.
-Eric. God he likes me. I feel bad though because im not trying to lead him on. He runs with me and hangs out with me after sociology.
-I swear Andrew likes me too. Why would he have me closing with him 3 nights in a row with him? Plus, he really only has me working with him. Plus, he as to hit me or do something all the time.

So, many boys. Too bad i would never date them

Tim: just, no. he'd make a great high school boyfirned. But that isnt what im looking for.
Will(is): way too weird, doesnt care about himself, not self confident
Andy: has a girlfriend, and i dont like seeing his six o'clock shadow three days later
Brenden: is acually really cool, but he does pot and drinks alot and i dont like that at all, hes also a big jerk
Eric: needs: to care about himself, look like he cares about himself, treat himself like he does, and have backbone, and confidence.
Andrew: EWWWW. Thats gross. He's gross. He's a big jerk and hes disrespectful.


So thus ends my schpeel about guys. But i figured, they will hold on and i will keep getting the hours i want, the spotted lunch, and something to do when i am bored.

Yesterday

B-Muffin and Sobe
D-Sesame chicken

Today
Lunch-Poptart

Im so frustrated. I went to graduation, that was okay.

peace

So this week, ive made 97 dollars off of babysitting so far this week and i still have this weekend. haha

Today:
L-a chicken finger, mashed potatoes, and the other half of the plate was salad.
D-burger king-chicken nugget kids meal

-went to work
-picked up henry from the bus stop and baston
-went to bbt class
-babysat for the nizens
-Taichi

today, i had a good day.
Went to classes, got stuff done, etc... babysitting for ms jennifer.

Today:
L-Cookies (mrs frances' worlds greatest)
D-1/2 turkey sandwich and cheese and crackers (at mrs jennifer's)

Dude, they eat all organic. its so healthy..but its awesome! I tried soy milk for the first time today. its really not that bad. actually it tastes better than milk. Milk is sorta gross.

Today has been awesome!

I ate:
L-A salad, and seafood salad (ick!)
D-4 peices of pizza and 1 1/2 cookies
than m&m's at youth group followed by a butterfly shaped cookie...some middle school boy gave it to me! :)

See, i did good today. Im not fucking anorexic. Writing down what i eat makes me feel organized. Plus, it helps my frineds who check up on me know that i do eat.

Today:
-Worked-Golden Corral 11:30-2
-got my movies for this week
-Got clothes washed finally, car cleaned, etc.
-Bank-Getting checkbook balanced...HOORAY!
-5-8:30 frances for dinner, youth group
-9-11 Movie night at momma maynards house! it was fun too!

I heard jill's grandmother finally died. I feel so bad for her. I know shes gotta be going through alot. Wow.. I hope she is okay.

Anyways, i had a great day today. I got a hamster. he's incredibly timid. but its okay. i finally decided to name him panda.

:)

anyways, i hung out with justin. he helped me pick out a hamster. hes so cool. But i wish i could have guy friends that dont want to date me or think they have a reasonable chance. eeh

No List:
Justin, Jordan Capps, Eric Leonard, Darryl Clark, Brenden, Willis, Matt, Andy, any other guy on planet earth that thinks they have a chance when ive told them no already.

pretty much.

So, i went to the gyno this morning. It wasn't as bad is i thought it would be.

Today im going to hang out with Justin.

I was thinking about it and independance is kinda liberating. I love to work because it makes me feel "grown" so it wouldnt bother me if i had to work all of the time. This is my mature reason for moving out: I've always been handed everything my whole life and ive never really had to work for something that i want. So, i think it would be a good opportunity to be more independant, work for soemthing i want, and grow up in general.

The things that make me feel liberated:
-Being woman
-Being independant
-Making my own decisions
-Paying for the things i need
-Buying myself what i want
-Being single


Love always,
Molly Jane

..Life..

I put 1000 into a cd at the bank. It made me happy because it helps me feel one step closer to my goal at being independant.

I've been eating sooo much since ive been on break, jordan.
Thurs:
L-Poptart
D-McD's Big Kid's meal, Goodberry's icecream

Friday:
Poptart and various snacks throughout the day
D-Peanut butter and jelly sandwich than sweet and sour chicken (chinese)

Saturday:
L-Peanut butter and banana sandwich fruit cup
D-brown bottle caps and 3/4 of a butterfinger

Today:
B- Blueberry muffin
L- Pretzel
D- Hotdog and chile cheese fries

No, you dont have to hire a fat kid to teach me how to eat. sorry..a loss of your money. I think i actually gained weight. I wonder what would happen if i got smaller? Like, i was trying on a shirt in the mall yesterday and i lifted up my arms and i could see my xiphoid process (the thingy between ur ribs that you go just above to do cpr) sticking out.

wow...ive gained 5 lbs thats funny

She knows so im not talking crap about her. But it really upsets me that i was trying so hard to not create drama and be nice to her and kind and stuff...but she was a completer jerk to me. Than she tried to justify it. Maybe she feels right but i dont see it that way at all. A-Comparing me to a 5 year old was offensive. B-The fact that she didnt communicate with me that i was being annoying was irritating and she felt she had to throw and object at me becuase she felt than justified.

That bothered me. I thought i was doing the right thing but getting her to realize im not an asshole. But, im not going to go out of my way to do something like that again. Im going to have to be really bored to do something like that. So its potential. I honestly think shes cool.

But she can be like that karma will be a bitch later in life.

ahh...venting is great. Especially when i didn't do anything! I didnt give her a reason to be liek that to me. I was being friendly and she was being pleasant back so i thought id take a minute to sit and talk and kill time.

but its okay karma's a bitch

I realized exactly how badly my eating habits suck yesterday. >>I know what it is. I get stressed out and then am not hungry. Thats what it is.

Yesterday:
I woke up
Fussed
Went to work
Fussed more
Came home - ate a poptart
Went to taekwondo
Went to Mrs. Frances house
Had a happy meal
Went to the seminar
Had ice cream
Came home/went to bed

Today:
Rolled out of bed at like Noon
Ate a poptart
Then start my to do list:
-Shower
-Do my nails
-Make dentist appt
-Put away clothes/clean room
-Clean car
-Running with Eric
-Work at 5:00
Get off at 12:15

Saturday:
-Morrisville grand opening
-Taichi 9am ish
-Class at 11:30
-Pictures for taekwondo
-Work at 5

Ahh, so things are a little better. Not much really. I still am a little stresed out. Well im tired-exhausted. So, much thought. I just want to crawl into a hole and get it. That would make my life so much easier.

I wish i was adult. They seem to "get it". I dont "get it" or "understand". Maybe one day will get there. One day i might get there or arrive.