Yesterday was horrible. I still havent recovered. I have no reason to smile, only reason to cry. So, my dad decided to threaten to take me out of taekwondo. Well, that was the last straw. The first in the morning. Someone told me something i dont understand and then when i asked they refused to explain themselves so by nature i am worried becuase i dont understand. So after that last straw last night i did something that made me feel better. It released my tension and made me feel better. Ahh, anyways

Speaking of yesterday i saw my little sister. She made my whole day.

God, waiting for things is the hardest thing for me. I am so impatient. Maybe ill take a nap to pass the time.

Few times ive been around that track so its not just gonna happen like that.


So, i have a guy in each (except english but there is a guy that walks me to english) of my classes that likes me. Its funny to me.

In math today a guy walked me to my car. Last night Brenden walked me to my car. There's Andy who i eat lunch with, (Will)is i think likes me..he is cool. Eyad likes me. He has for like 3 years now.

ITS TOO BAD I DONT LIKE ANY OF THEM

Brenden smokes pot. Willis is way too weird. Andy has a girlfriend. Eyad smokes pot.

in 43 minutes it will be ashley millers birthday.

in 43 minutes it will be 2 days till my birthday.

Yes kids, my birthday is thursday! Random, I think im about to start my period because i am eating everything in sight. holy cow! I have had these mild discomforts, others call cramps so i think its on its way. Its offically supposed to start tomorrow but i doubt thats gonna happen.

Guess what i am doing for my BIG 18 ~ I am getting my belly button peirced. I will not pansy out. I am going to get it done. Im so excited.

I want red highlights in my hair. I dont know exactly how dark red i want..but i want red. Not thick highlights, just little strand highlights but a bunch of them. The only reason i havent done them is because im scared to mess them up and i am anal about my hair. I dont even like it right now. That is why it stays at least half up.

What i did today:
Breakfast, Icecream from the Cafe Wake Tech
Math -boring
Psy -interesting...got a c on the first test!
Lunch with Andy at bojangles
Eng -mr b ranted
Ripped music..RENT to my laptop
Running with Eric
Shower, Did my fingernails, put on makeup, got all pretty
Food lion
Sociology - Sobe drink and a hershey bar and a butterfinger=really hyper
Chilled with Eric, did ballet to ringtones, climbed a random tree in dress pants, listened to some video game music

...its amazing how we appreciate music the same way.

So, the picture i took on his phone didnt email to me, thats upsetting.


Dentist and 3 fillings tomorrow. eeh..im not excited.

So, i am seriously considering moving out sometime within the next year.

I looked at what it takes to live independantly. I looked at the cost of living (rent, power, cable, water/gas), car insurance, the salary of a CNA and benefits, gas...basically, if i am a full time CNA, i would earn about 2000 a month. Which, if i roomed with someone, wouldnt be too bad. I just though, i have to add my cellphone bill.

It takes about 1500 to live alone. So, i mean i would take the extra money and save it like i normally do to continue saving for another car.

I just want to get away.

I hate having so much drama. I didnt even start the shit.

First its my dad getting his underwear in a knot over something he doesnt even know the whole situation. Than, my brother decides he wants to tell a parent in the studio something that is not true because he was pissed at me over something he hasnt talked to me about. Plus, my mom works with ms austin and i dont even know what they talk about but im sure its shit about the studio and my mom easily from opinions. Lastly, (which was my fault, but it wasnt on purpose) I backed into mrs fortners van.

As soon as people are starting to not hate me so much, all of this SHIT happens. So people not only think im crazy but they probably think im irresponsible too now. And no one will give me the benefit of the doubt, or back the truth up. So, to protect what i have i have to ban my family from ata activities.

Its so depressing to me. Also, i dont know if people are being nice to me because its genuine or if its just fake or them doing what they are told to do. I dont know?

I am guessing Jill and Dana are reading this becuase they tried to give me two peices of pizza when i went up for seconds. They probably read what i wrote. Its okay, i threw the other one out..because i only wanted one. Its funny, people think im being more healthy like mr gailes when mr wegmann noticed. i eat the same as what i normally eat. No breakfast, if i do its icecream. Lunch: Chic-fil-a sandwich and a sobe drink or some form of fast food, dont normally eat dinner...plus i normally eat candy throughout the day. Very rarely do i eat dinner. ..nope not healthy, i just let people think that.. But, i also run almost everyday, and take taekwondo, sometime for 2 hours.

So, i am looking at what an appartment cost to move out and if i got my CNA i could afford to room with someone.

One step closer. Sept 21st= job number 2

Something interesting..

I weighed myself and i weigh 120. Odd. At the end of my senior year i weighed 132. That means ive lost 12 lbs.

What people dont realize is that i havent changed that way i eat. I just eat less..I dont eat if im not hungry. Which, sometimes isnt good...because if i have an adverse mood, i normally eat less. Like when i'm stressed out, angry, tired, or sad i dont get hungry. >>Like when we went out to dinner, I didnt eat alot because i was upset. and she said sometihng because i didnt eat alot. I was like you bitch!

Thus, Jordan thinks im anorexic.

No, Im not...

I'm so pissed at my brother.

I am ready for him to move out. I was trying to include him in the things i do in hopes that he would understand me and respect the things ive built up for myself.

Well, I bring him to the picnic..its fine whatever.
He comes to testing, fine whatever.
He comes to tournament, fine whatever.

Than i bring him to the dance.. and i dont know what his problem is but he decides to go and say things that arent true about me. Not realizing the things i am trying to build up for myself. Or taking in to any consideration that it all falls back on ME!

I am sorry i got his ass living in this house. Im sorry i got his ass back in after he screwed up. Im sorry i told mom and dad he was tlaking to ryan again. I have done so many things for him...then i dont know what his problem is, but he gets a hair in his ass and tells people shit about me. Its probably because i told him not to come to tournament. Fuck him. He can appreciate what i have done for him and stay the hell away from me.

I cant bring my family to ATA events anymore because i cant protect myself with them starting shit! I have enough shit i have to deal with by myself and that is the way i want to keep it, by myself. I wish they would stay the hell away from the ATA for a while.

I dont need them thinking they are doing something good and trying to protect me when all they are doing is sturring drama!

Tomorrow i test for 2r. I'm so nervous.

I think when I got upset that i didnt break my boards in three and mr gailes came to talk to me, he was trying to help me. But im so anal about doing hw. I hate when people talk to me or bother me and thats the first thing he does when i'm doing hw. So, i tell him i'm doing hw so he gets the hint. It doesnt bother me that much because he doesnt have the irritating history that my mom does.

God, i'm so nervous about breaking tomorrow. Its upsetting. Like, i want to cry.
Im getting that feeling that i got before i took my exam for CNA. BAD.

Did i ever mention how much i hate being at the studio? I hate how the people that smile to my face are the same people who talk shit about me behind my back. I dont know who to trust anymore. I stick to people like Eric Leonard who is just nice. Then theres Meg who rocks.

Meg is one of the only genuine people at the studio who has a genuine smile. I am starting to think that everyone else well yeah, are two faced. Its not that i dont like them, its that i dont know if i can trust them. No one understands now many tears ive cried just out of frustration becuase i dont know if what tehy are saying is real.

Yes, it does bother me. Only because I wish everyone was real. I dont understand why people arent who they portray themselves to be. I feel alone at the studio and i used to call it my home...so it sucks.

People dont understand that. They think im fucking crazy or something. No, they just dont know me and i dont think i want them to either.

So finally, after going to lunch, i realized that our relationship will only be a friendship.

Tomorrow i test for second degree recommended. Im incredibly excited, yet nervous all at the same time.

Last night, i didnt break my board in 3 tries and it made me nervous and i cried.

Love always,
Molly Jane

Its like a disease. I cant get away from it. I try to get away from it and if it isnt me fucking up than its my family doing it for me. I cant get my family to respect the fact that i am tired of being known for sturring a ton of drama. They think im over reacting.

So, i sent out a post on myspace asking what exactly a "holla back girl" is. Kellen sends me a response: "Im not sure but gwen stefani isnt one and it has something to do with banana's". That made me laugh (out loud).

So, tonight jared and i were playing soccer and i got this bright idea to kick him (with the top of my foot) because i was getting frustrated. I definately learned my lesson. Now, my toes (3 hours later) tingle and the top of my foot is swollen. The bad part is i test FRIDAY! September 8th, 2006. Yes. OH MY GOD. Im just praying when i wake up in the morning everything is okay.

Haha, i know more things than people think i do. I should call them out on it more.

Someone told me the other day that they wnat to die. I told them i did to but i would never expediate the process becuase thats the easy way out.

Have i mentioned how much i hate people? Well its not that i hate them, i dont understand them. Someone once told me that you automatically assume that people think like you. Ex-If you are a lier than you will think others are or if you are truthful than you assume others are too.

I always think that people are genuine because that's the type of person i try to be. But they arent. The people that i think like me are the very ones that will talk about me behind my back. The ones that i try to be friendly to are the very ones that wait for me to screw up so they can tell someone about it.

Why? Why is society set up for failure? We allow this shit.

So, i met this guy named andy at wake tech.

hmmm...you can only imagine what that means! Nope, i dont have a boyfriend. But he has a girlfriend. He's a cool guy. I mean he sits with me every monday, wednesday and friday between my psychology and english classes in the cafeteria where we eat lunch together. then we walk to class. His 12:10 is in the PLM bldg like mine and his 2:10 is in the LED Bldg like mine. So, he walks me to my English class.

So, did i mention he has a girlfriend? Ackward. Well, so is everyother guy relationship i have. I think he likes me but he has a girlfriend so if it gets anymore intense than him giving me a hug before english than im going to talk to him.
I can tell he is very obviously attracted to me.

If even a person i was talking with did something like that, id be upset. Tell me if you dont want to date me. Thats why i hate "talking" to someone. I gave up on "talking". If its going to happen, it will happen; if not, then it wont.

I decided if i cared enough about a person, it wouldnt matter. As long as they are happy. If i loved a person enough, than the fact that i care about them with my whole heart and would lay down everything ive built up for myself or even would put it on hold to help them persue their life's dreams and goals would be enough for me.

But its never is for them.