so i need to b e reclusive right now. Im in a bitchy mood. I mean liz told me too. she was like you need to go sleep or something because you are in a bitchy mood. OH yeah, i started my period today. shit that means i need to go get more stuff...whoo. off to walmart.

Inside i dont get my hopes up. Then i dont get let down. I like being suprised. Infact, id wrather be suprised. Things that i fantasize about i dont expect. Then i dont get let down. There are things i want but i dont get my hopes up. I just let them fly away like the wind if it doesnt happen. Or, if it does happen, i am suprised and take in the moment more. There are very few things in my life i have gotten my hopes up for and gotten. The more i dont get my hopes up the more happens. I dont know. Its the way it works. That must be why i seem so patient. I dont get my hopes up so i dont get let down. I keep my feelings and recognie what i want but dont expect it. Then i dont have to worry about being hurt. When i expect things i get hurt inside.

I dont know, maybe im about to start my period or something. I just feel like crying right now.

So, i never went to go see matt. it was raining. oh well. im so glad they come back from arkansas today. i cant wait to go back to taekwondo. im kinda bored. Ive been working at vacation bible school. My kids are amazing. They are soooo good. Liz spent the night last night and we danced...well i danced. teehehe When i was in bed about to be asleep she was like "come in here and dance like a hoochie again." hehe

Dude, i found the coolest song a while ago that if i ever did an xma form, i would do it to this song. I found it a while ago...well ive had the song for a while but i just htought about putting it to xma form. Itd be crazy.

Here is the part i want to use:
"little mikey d was the one in class
who every day got totally harassed
this went on for years until he decided
that ever again would he shed another tear
so he walked out the door
grabbed a 4.4 out of his father's dresser drawer
and said i can't take life no more
and like that a life is lost
but this ain't even about that
all of us just sat back
and watched it happen
thinking it's not my responsibility
to solve a problem that isn't about me
this is our problem
this is just one of the daily scenarios
in which we chose to cause a riot
instead of doing the right thing
if we make a choice
be the voice
to those who won't speak up for themselves
how many lives would be saved
changed, rearranged
now it's out job
to take a shot
now don't keep walking by
now why didn't you try
cause you don't wanna exist
and never be seen
so let's wake up
change the world
our time is now

you could be a hero - (our time is now) heroes do what's right
you could be a hero - (our time is now) you might save a life
you could be a hero - (our time is now) you could join the fight
for what's right, for what's right, for what's right"

But i want to do it to the rap in it. :-) i wish i could get it to play on here. That would be awesome.

I know im being really analytical recently.



Sometimes i wonder exactly how people rationalize things in their heads. Why do people do the things that they do. What makes it okay to them. That is how people receive the advice they do about their problems. The more i understand their thought process the more effective i am.

Therefore, I wonder if people think about me the same. Like i wonder if people wonder how i rationalize the things that i do. I do things sometimes that people who know me wonder why i decided to do what i did. Like, I dont approve of smoking and i never did. Its because ive tried it. I worry about people who cut more than anyother condition a person can have. People wonder why. I wonder if people wonder why i do the things i do. I wish someone would ask me why the hell i do the things i do. Why its rationalized. Why i think its right. People do the things they do because they think its right. But the ultimate question is why is it right.

Im not crazy. Please dont assume im crazy first.

Ask me why. I love when kids go through that inquisitve phase because adults hate it. But they want to know. They want to know why people do the things they do, why things work the way they do. I think they better they understand the world then, it will help them understand it even better later. Tehn they arent stuck questioning things in their head at an older age. They already know.

People get crap for asking alot of questions but i think that its great. Because if you assume (because i do that alot) you do what the word says: Make and "ass" of "u" and "me". Thus the word assume. See, i realized alot of the time i end up assuming things or forming my own conclusions because people dont fill in blanks for me. They will half heartedly tell me and so i analyze it in my head. Maybe it forms drama, maybe it forms answers. But thats why i sometimes dont ask before i say some of the things i do.

Like if people have a history of not fully telling me things, than i stop asking and start assuming. Like Darryl is a perfect example of telling me things, he will answer my question so i dont have to assume most of the time. I dont really care sometimes so i dont even ask. But alot of the time when i do ask, he will tell me. Then i can either help him or be sympathetic to the situation. Or i can be happy for him or understanding.

I wish that more people were comfortable telling me stuff like that. Its amazing how easy my life would be if i didnt feel like i have to analyze it. I do alot.

Yes i know i analyze alot. Its ridiculus. :)

Awww...they are all gone to worlds now. I miss them.

I have so many things to do. I have to write them on my calendar first. :-)

Going to Carowinds with the yonkovichs and then doing a whole lot of babysitting.

I think i might go to the race tomorrow night and see how matts doing. Ususally im babysitting and then taekwondo takes priority so i havent gone. I havent seen him in forever. Hes about to be engaged. Im so happy for him. Hes like my brother.

I think i over analyze things. I ask too many questions sometimes. eeh. But sometimes i do it to cover my butt so i dont make another person feel uncomfortable but then in return i think i do. eeh..i dont know..then here i go over analzing again.

oh well, no drama. ::sighs:: i feel like im about to start my period. that might be why i am like that. im a little more restless. i hate my period. I wish it would go away. but then again i dont because then i would be inable to reproduce and i dont want that to happen.

Tomorrow im goign to dinner with mrs frances. Im excited. shes like my second mommy. i wish i had more time to spend so i could spend it with her.

Eeh, being at the studio these past two days were draining. The fake factor was climbing. It was more yesterday than the day before. Tuesday they were doing such a good job. Then i read into it and realized exactly how hard people were trying so mr g doesnt have to come back to someone pissed molly off or molly pissed someone off. Yes, i held my tongue when he said something to irritate me. Then lucy showed up with her boyfrined. WHY? He does have a big mark on his nose from levi. It was funny. I tried sooo hard to be good and be nice to her and be respectful to her. I did it sucessfully. I even complimented her. But them Mr Buhls had to say something to put me down when i was trying to compliment her. But its not a big deal. Im respectful to him and even nice to him. Doesnt that mean i went out of my way? Oh yeah, they both said something to me they know pissed me off. By the end of the day i was soo sleepy, drained. I had to go home. I know that they arent real. I fully understand that. But i realize that if i dont do anything to piss them off than i am not giving them reason.

It might be because i dont trust their intentions towards me. I dont trust them farther than i can throw either of them. I dont see either of them as geniune. That is why i resort to trusting few. Respecting both, wishy washy on the wondering if i should like them. but whatever.





i know your going AHHH in your head.

So, everyones leaving for worlds. Eeh. Thats not exciting.


Mr Clark and Mr Buhls are running the studio while they are gone (well for 2 days) and they are doing a good job. Its going smooth with minor bumps. But its all going well. They get so much credit because i can genuinely tell they are trying to do their best. They seem to be treating it like gold.

So, i went shopping yesterday with the graduation gift certificates my aunts gave me for old navy. I bought a whole bunch of stuff. Im really excited about it. Then i went to victoria secrets bra sale. They remeasured me and i learned i got smaller. ackwardly enough. Just one size..but yes im still a 32 around. Eeh...so im going from one weird size to naother. OH and did i mention i fit into a size 1? yes that was a bit scary. I havent ever dont that in my life. i feel really small rigyt about now. But normally i wear a mediom and a 6 or 5 but when i went shopping it was a 4 and a small...its so weird. Then that 1 expierence. eeh. Ibought a new bra i cant wait to wear it!

But i love how people confide stuff in me and then i get to be the firefighter for the mor try to make things make sense. But i dont have a problem with that because my ddrama isnt. Like, now that high school is over with mine evaporated. hehe, It was exciting. So now ive been helping people with theirs. I love helping others so it excites me to be able to help them.

Its amazing to me how you leave room to put two and two together but people's insecurities havent allowed them to. Either that or they have but they arent comfortable with it yet. Its like ive said all these things to build up to one thing sparatically but they have nooooooooo clue...or at least i dont think they get it.

Its almost as though ive said it has leaves, its tall, it has brown bark, and pine needles, it has deep roots in the ground, birds live in it, it has a significant smell, it has gumballs, it has many branches that spread far and wide, water keeps it alive, dirt surrounds its roots, it reaches the sky and shades the sun. But they have no idea im discribing a tree. Then i climb to the tallest mountain and then the tallest tree to find the most perfect branch to let them know that what kind and that it is a tree and they are still oblivious.

Either that or they know. I think they know but arent acknowledging it. Im dying to be more straight forward about it but i told them before. I dont know if they will see it in a different light or not. I dont want them to be even more reclusive. hmm.

Im not stupid, nor do i make stupid decisions. I weigh the consequence and see if its rationalized in my head. If it is than im fine. How i rationalize things in my head you only know the deep end of it if you ask. Its more than what i have said. Well i have said it all but in spurts. I might have had intentions to only do something with certain conditions but i rationalized it because for some reason it was worth it to me. Maybe, i thought a person would understand me in a different light. Maybe, they might see my intention. Maybe not.

God, I wish i could be more direct.

I am so happy. You dont understand. I am so happy.

Anyways, I work tomorrow. Tonight i dressed up for me, myself, and anyone who i might see. Hmm...Probably NOONE! haha... Im so bored. I am killing time. Im ready for today to be over and for tonight to start. I am ready to get my nails done again. I always mess them ujp somehow. Ehh.. my moms home. She drives me crazy. I think she will be the cause of me going crazy. God, I wish my red cami was clean. I really like it and would wrather wear that one. But oh well. The black one with the silver works.

Promiscuous...thats my song!

Today

I got the cutest cami. Its red. I didnt realize how hot i look in red. hehe. I mean i do have red underwear but thats >under< wear. Rant: No i dont call them draws or panties or pantidraws (darryl). I am a firm believer that the 'under' in underwear is what makes it what it is. Some people see thongs as something to be worn above the belt and between your shirt and pants when your shirt is abnormaly short or you bend over. NO. It is to be warn under your clothes. I mean sometimes it gets curious and wants to see the world around it, but otherwise, it should be under.

Ahh..now down to the good stuff

Im so happy that i had a good day.

I worked, went home to be bitched at by my mom and then to the bank and on to java divine where i got the internet. It was quite exciting.

So, Im graduated. I got a laptop. I love it. Im on it right now. Its great. Its sooo cold in here. Im dying. Great week so far. I dont like vindicative people. They are a pain in my ass. Eeh Oh well. I am so excited. I really want Encarta on my computer. It would make life so much more interesting. :)

OH SIX! OH SIX

Im so excited ive GRADUATED! Yes. I have graduated. THANK GOD!

I am so excited to get the hell out of there. The people there were cool but the people Im closest with are not there.

It was the most amazing day ever. I graduated. Went to dinner. Opened presents and just had a great night with my family. :-) Hey, I got a laptop from my parents. It rocks.

I am so excited. Just about everything. I mean wow. I am blessed to have such awesome family and friends who support me.

My parents tried to hook me up with some guy at my graduation and that made me uncomfortable. EEh

Yesterday provoked alot of thinking about tomorrow.
Im philosophical...haha.

Im kinda scatterbrained today, i know. I woke up at 4am and couldnt go back to sleep. It couldnt stop thinking and i was just laying there looking around my room, thinking. I couldnt stop thinking all day long. Its like AHHH...but not really its more like ahh...if that makes sense. I have alot going on in my head.

I deleted the old stuff and am starting fresh once again.

So...Im about to be GRADUATED! TOMORROW!!!!

Anyways, I realized that i create alot of stuff in my head. But it allows me to answer questions that people dont answer. Like, if i ask a person a question and they half way answer it, i automatically analyze it. Its just soemthing i do. Its because i learned most of the things i know by listening. Even if im not supposed to be listening, i do. I can actually hear very well. Like when i heard people at the studio talking about me, i had already heard the conversation that took place before they even came up to me. So, I mean I knew i already if they were lying to me. Also, I see mind games that people play. Ive seen what people have done in the past and what people have said about others and how they react to things. So, that is how i judge what could be going on. I mean i dont up and assume people are an ass. I know how they act or have seen how they act before. See, there is only one person i dont like because of personality clash, meaning by choice. Normally the people i dont like i dont like because they talk about me or talk down to me or have done something to piss me off. Alot of people dont understand that one of my flaws are that i trust people to easily and i make everyone a good, trustworthy person in my head when they really arent. There are people who have wrong intentions and are really jerks. Oh,and i definately dont like people who are jerks to me. Its just the way it is.

Also, It drives me crazy that people act like they know me and know what i am talking about but dont know me and just assume what is comfortable to them. I wish people would just ask me. Im pretty opinionated. I dont want to not tell people things. Infact, Id wrather ask so its not in question. People dont realize that there is more to me than what they know. There is more to me than Ms. Miser at the studio. There is more to me than Molly at church. There is more to me than Molly at work. There is more to me than Molly at school. There is more to me than Molly Jane at Camp or Molly May around church extended family, there is more to me than Molly at home.

Trying to find good lyrics.
....
Excuse me, Think ive mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself. -Ahh....Jewel. "Foolish Games"

I cant wait till i have kids. Thats going to be the greatest day of my life. I love to love. I wish i could love all of the time. Just show my love. That would be great. I cait wait to have kids. I mean i dont want time to go by faster, but i really want to have kids. I dont really look at the loving another person as much anymore but that would be great. I guess its because im not dating. Oh well, what the hell. But holy cow, its not like i cant get a boyfriend. Sometimes i wish i did date the scum of the earth...no that would be boring. Because i cant enjoy the physical aspect of the relationship with someone im not attracted to. It doesnt work. Been there, tried that. So at least whoever i marry will be soothed with the knowledge i would never do anything wiht another person. Because im a one guy kind of woman. :-)