So, Im on Andy's computer. He's this really nice guy i met at wake tech. teehehe..

Anyways, I havent been on this in forever and i thought that i would post an update on the story of my life. Shit, I gotta go to Psychology. Oh well. FYI i test for second degree on the 8th of september. :)

More updates in a little bit.

Love always,
Molly Jane

Life kinda sucks right now. I started school wednesday which was the best thing for me. I am such a busy body and having something to do is almost theraputic.

But, my friends, the people that understand me and/or care are either at college or so caught up in their own lives i have all these thoughts stuck in my head that i cant say. I cant get someones opinion. I mean someone that really cares.

Then there was the end of the week. I found out that because i didnt have one thing i bought in my check book, I was over drawn. That was when i went to put 45 dollars in my savings account and found out i was still 59 cent in the red. That normally isnt a problem. Well, that was wednesday. Thursday, i was on e light and i had no money to get gas. Then, thank god i got my paycheck and i transfered 100 from savings. But its such a horrible feeling when you dont have any money anywhere and you need gas. I didnt even have cash to get me through.

Then i went to the studio and vegged because it was all i could handle at the time. People dont care there and the ones that do dont need my drama. I refuse to add to their drama. I wont give a person my drama who cant handle their own.

I would have gone home but my parents dont understand me. If i come home in a bad mood, they will assume im just being a bitch and be the same back to me or if i tell them they will caudle me and i dont need that either. I want someone to either give me advice.

I want to spend time with someone i know cares and loves me. But i dont think that will even happen.

God, im crying. I have all of these friends. But id wrather have a best friend than a ton of friends who dont understand me.

I fucking hate ignorant people who i can tell do things to try to back me up into a corner. Like they want me to tell them something that they have assumed. When in reality they have no idea what the hell is going on and they can feel sufficed.

They can go to hell for all i care.

I realized how much i have changed in the past year. Im not who people want me to be anymore and i am not who i used to be. I have become more genuine. I am who i am at church, school, taekwondo, and in private. I dont care. I sit how i want to sit, talk how i want to talk, be who i want to be, and i dont really care. I mean i do to an extent but only if i know their intentions first. I've really gotten to the point that i dont want to be anyone else from a superficial stand point. I mean some people I admire but i dont like to do things because its cool. My mom always thought i did things becuase other people did and that was never the case.

Sorry, i feel like ranting. I decided I am not going to tell anyone my drama who cant handle their own so...i lean on my shoulder. The people i love have enough of their own drama to deal with. I want to move out of my house. I cant wait to be self sufficient.

Sarah: This is for you.

My Thoughts:

"Ask for a penny, ill give you a penny
Then ask for a dollar, Ill give you a dollar, maybe two,
be a jerk to me when i dont disserve it, You can go to hell."

"The greatest thing is love and be loved in return"
That is all i want in life. Tell me.

"Everything happens for a reason"
Maybe its for all of us to get out of our little boxes called comfort and realize that we can grow and learn.

The more i think about certain people. The more i hate them. I mean they would never know but I have a bitter taste in my mouth about them.
(Thought break)

I cant write what i had here here. It would get me into alot of trouble that isnt necessary if read by the person i wrote it about. So, I made the choice to delete it.

(Back to the first thought)
Then there are people who i genuinely want to become friends with and see the reality of them but they hate me.
They have cried on my shoulder and come to me with things they didnt go to their own family for first. They have told me things that not many other people understand about them. I often question why i care so much about them when they hate me. I am compassionate with them and i understand them but they cant allow themselves to get over their own insecurity of the relationship.
Then there are people who ive hurt and i want to try so hard to gain their trust back. They are soo cool to me. Its weird that i often look up to them and their personality but they are younger than me. I often admire them because they portrays themself as mature, responsible, capable, and the things that i wish maybe they could help me instill in myself. Speaking of them. I let them read what i wrote. It was so nerve wrecking. (Just flowed with the thought train)
Then i go back to people who i am, and try so hard to be genuinely just be nice to. I dont have to like them nor do they have to like me. But damnit would i like to tell him what he can do and where he can go. Everything would have been fine had he not opened his mouth. I cant, i have to be respectful. Its really just to not start drama in the studio.

Im tired of people fucking thinking that i like Mr Gailes. No. Its like they just want something to piss me off about because they know that it bothers me for them to be ignorant and judge something about me and my life like that.

Lemme start with yesterday.
I went to:
-work
-taekwondo
-pick up justin
-my house (to get my swimsuit)
-baston's
-their neighborhood pool
-back to drop them off at home
-mall
-music store
-Sarah's
-Back to the mall
-Justin's (to drop him off)
-Sarah's
-the pond
-home

See, i didnt expect them to be at the mall and seeing as i havent been there in a while i didnt know. So we went there and i had to stop by and say hey because i dont care but if i dont it will look ackward or something stupid. Plus, i was shopping for darryl clark for a birthday present. So then i went after i went and got sarah i didnt know she was still buzzin off of whatever until we got to the mall. Had i known, I wouldnt have hung out with her at all.

It pissed me off that one of my instructors had the ignorance to say something to make that situation uncomfortable. He didnt know the situation so he shouldnt have judged it. He doesnt know how unstable some of my friends are and how when i am hanging out with them sometimes it to keep them from doing things to harm themselves. His family doesnt care about him so he doenst have support in his life. Sarah is leaving on the 10th for college. I wanted to see her before she left so that was why she was there. It wasnt just a random rendezvous.

I dont make the things for my friends look like a big deal because it isnt anyone elses business. Some of my friends have big problems. Like the stuff that adults see psychiatrists for but their parents dont care so they dont.

I also wasnt about to explain the situation because it isnt anyones business and it would have made the situation ackward.

I couldnt have said, "my friend cant handle his own problems and was thinking about hurting himself so i spend time with him to make him feel like he isnt worthless because that is what his family tells him. sarah is going off to college and naturally makes everything fun so i thought it would make things happier to go and get her. plus she is going off to college in 5 days and i wont see one of my best friends till december. Oh yeah, we didnt go to sarah's house because i didnt knwo her friends there, i am uncomfortable at justin's house and so is sarah because his family makes me uncomfortable and my house isnt a comfortable situation either because my mom is a pain in the ass."

I told Kat Payne something i havent told anyone at the studio.

I hate being so damn hard headed. I am soo hard headed. Sometimes i wish that people telling me what i need to do and how i can do it would be what it takes to for me to get it done. But no I, Molly, have to hit my head up against the wall a couple times. I have to make mistakes. I have understand it, analyze it, let it hit me, before what other people tell me will actually hit me and help me to understand it. You could give me a map but until I decided that everyother avenue is wrong, i probably am more than likely not to use it. I dont think people understand that about me. They dont realize that that is the best way for me to learn. That is how i make it. I make decisions and then learn from them. Mrs. Frances told me that i am in a more diplomatic way and i thought about it and realized i really am. Sometimes i wish the people that are trying to get to know me would just sit down with her. She knows me black white to green. She knows the good, the bad and the ugly. Thats why i like to ask her about me because she tells me. I learn from it. i know i am crazy...but that is me

This morning the most frightening thing happened to me. I questioned myself. It wasnt the fact that i questioned myself that scared me, because i do that all the time, but the subject of the matter. I asked myself why something that i do is so important to me, why i allow it to be one of the most important things in my life and why i push other people away in hopes of the outcome i want. When really it could never circum to what i want. So i woke up this morning and i was tired of it. I feel like i am chasing my tail. I am not patient and i dont know if want to be. See, I dont know if it is just a phase of my week or something real. So, im thinking deeply about it analyzing my every breath to make sure that if it is somehting that i decide not to do anymore than i am completely okay with it and confident in my decision or if it is something i decide not to do, i can be confident in that too. I will understand why this is so special to me. After thinking endlessly about it so far all day, i need to push it away. I need to not make it so important to me. I mean it is and it should be, but i need to make it like i dont care. It will cause me less stress and aggrivation. I feel like i need to help myself understand that its almost in the hands of fate. I think i play the most mind games with myself.

If anyone is confused, you should be becuase you dont understand, im not going to tell you, and im not going to talk about it with you.



I was reading my friend Parker's Xanga and he is a really amazing writer. This really intrigued me so i wanted to put it here:

Pain

Our lives are defined by the pain that we suffer, not our happiness...the friends that we have lost, ones that we have let go, times that our hearts have been broken...Any one of these events can wash away so many happy moments and yet it take so many of these good moments to take away just one painful experience

Now that our lives have been defined, what are you going to do with it...Are you going to succumb to the pain and wallow in your own misery...Or will you rise above the pain and become a better person...Perhaps you will seal away your heart in a steel cage, allowing no one to get close enough to hurt you any more.

I have done all there and have found for me the best way to deal with the pain is to embrace, shower my soul with it and force myself to confront...Hiding from the pain will do nothing because it will always be there waiting for you to let your guard down.

Besides without the pain what proof do we have that we are actually alive

-Parker's Xanga

People anger me.

Stop acting like i am irresponsible and incapable. Thankyou, but im not. If i say i am going to get things done and taken care of then yes i am. I appreciate people trying to protect me and help me and i appreciate the fact that they care about me but it pisses me off that they wont trust me.

Dont tell me when my time like should happen. Dont tell me when i need to eat. Dont tell me when i should fall into your schedule. Dont tell me when i need to do things. If you treat me like im 5 then i will push away from you. Thus, my mom is probably the farthest from me becuase she doesnt treat me like i am capable or responsible or like she trusts me.

If you want me to repect you give me those three things and that will satisfy me. You dont have to give me advice, you dont have to tell me what your opinion is, just give me those three things.