aww...so i was talking to daniel from ACS, wish i wish i could adopt into my family because he is just so adorable. we were talking today and this is what he told me:

Me: i have the biggest bruise on my shin
Daniel: oooh not good
Daniel: how did it happen?
Me: sparring tonight
Me: i wasnt wearing shin pads
Daniel: wow, you do alot of stuff that has to do with hurtin people, I guess its cause you just want to defend yourself, from all those guys that just want to go out with you
Daniel: lol
Me: aww...you make me laugh..
Daniel: lol
Daniel: why do you take all that stuff?
Me: excercise and it helps me focus

Its so funny how he has a huge crush on me, he is 15 and he told me i was too old for him. He is sooo cute, like in a little kid way. If he did ask me out though, i would tell him im taken. Its the way it works, for any guy that is.


I wonder who even reads this anymore? they are probably just trying to get dirt on me.


oh well.


Im dying to see the nightmare before christmas, or just get the soundtrack. Something about it makes me really happy. It might be because ive seen it sooo many times that i can sing alot of the songs. hehe... anyways, well it seems as though no one has called me...so ima go to sleep.

one mroe thing, i hate being sweet because people can be such a jerk to me and im trying ot complement them. it frustrates me.

I feel like shit. I wish people would ask me what is wrong sometimes before being hard on me. It would make my life easier. I understand the mentality behind it. It was my fault that i didnt communicate that to them. I wasnt just being lazy and i didnt need motivation.
Actually, i needed encouragement, thankyou jill. That made me feel sooo much better giving me the opportunity to break black. It really made my confidence sky rocket. That was soo awesome nad thoughtful. She probably doesnt like me, but i really respecy her and think shes great. I really want to be her frined again but i dont know if shed ever give me that opportunity. Plus, she is friends with dana who probably hates me too.
Im in such a pissy mood. I am abotu to go to sleep but i wanted to rant first so i dont cry myself to sleep. People tell me its because i dont communicate that i cry alot and have built up emotion, anxiety, and thoughts. Well, i only am completely comfortable with talking to one person right now and im not going to wait forever to talk to them. My life doesnt work like that. So, i write. If they call than thats wonderful. It brightens my day, it makes me happy, it allows me to vent and feel like i am loved, appreciated, and respected all at the same time. But if they dont, i cant base my everyday on talking to one person. I did that in middle school and the days i couldnt talk to teresa were the most depressing of my life. Basing your everyday on another is unstable and doesnt allow you to have control of your life.
Yes, this is me putting my life on the internet...but whatever. Its my online journal. So, take it or leave it.

Im listening to the moonlight sonata...i heard it at the studio and it makes me calm and collective so i downloaded it so i can listen to it. Plus, its like 6 mins long so it goes on forever.

I am leaving for ACS monday. Whoo...

Tuesday night: no sleep
Wednesday: cried myself to sleep
Thurday...what the hell does it matter.

I feel so bad. People in taekwondo dont realize that the more i act like i am hyper, normally i am more depressed or upset about something. The bad thing is it is my fault. I feel like an asshole and i feel like shit. I am loosing sleep but i was the asshole in the situation. It sucks so bad. I feel horrible. People dont understand. I have guilty conscious syndrome bad. My head hurts. I need to pack but i keep thinking about how i hurt someone and it makes me want to cry. There are 2 people that make me that upset to know i hurt them. It makes me cry, loose sleep, stressed out. Those two people arent aware of how much they mean to me. Probably oblivious..

I found out i have a myspace...somehow. Well i deleted mine...but some how i have one? What? Then i went looking on myspace again and realized why i deleted mine in the first place.

So, I was looking at my baby pictures and I realized i was the cutest kid ever.



I look like a babydoll here!



Jared and I. We were little.

So, I went to Carowinds this weekend. It was good but it was a little more than i could take at one time. I was like holy cow.

New Goals for the week:
-Look for a new job

My thoughts are so jumbled in my head right now. I'm trying to separate some of them.

Jordan said something that was really funny to me. That made my thought process ackward. I was something that i wasnt ready to hear. But i cant post it here.

I am having a really impatient day. Like, in taichi i was asking a question and he was like well if it was the end of what you know yo uwould do this and i was thinking in my head just answer my question. Maybe im about to start my period again or something. I dont know anymore though. Its kinda a suprise when it happens now..which i know isnt a good thing. But i have been eating alot recently and i am bitchy so...yeah thats about right hmm ima look at my calendar.

So, back to Carowinds. We got presents for the instructors. Well, we got candy for them and earrings for Jill. I saw them and thought of her so i really hope she likes them. I know we arent really friends and all but i wanted to get them for her. Then we were looking at keychains and we saw one that was blue and said "Joe" and lauren liked it so i got if for mr g. I mean they are little things but i was thinking about them so i wanted to get stuff for them. I am goign to make it look like it was all laurens idea. But I really wanted to get them something that would brighten there day. Maybe, make them smile. I actually saw something that made me think of Dana so i was goign to get her something but i think it would be a little too ackward. Well, if i made it seem like lauren's idea it would have been okay...nevermind. Oh well.

What i really feel i cannot say. What i cannot say i really feel. Its a vicious cycle. I want to say it. I want to say it here. I want to open up here so i dont have to elsewhere. A word doc is not enough because it doesnt sometimes post comments to let me know it will all be okay or that i am loved.

"Feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
i'm looking out mmmm
"Is this my life?"
I'm wondering
it happened so fast
how do i turn this thing around?"

I do finally regret something in my life. Normally i try not to because of the simple fact that it makes me who i am today. God, I'm crying. Why? Because i dont like what I am thinking about. It makes me sad and hurt inside. I doesnt help that i cant talk to anyone. I sit alone in my room crying alone. The grandest part of it is it is my own fault.

Oh for those who are looking, i did delete my myspace. It makes me angry to go into it. Thats a whole different story for a different day.

Ahh..the first 24 hrs are over. They are always the worst. Im all moody and feeling crapy. The other days are fine.

I officially have another job. Its sorta exciting.

I wish i could say what im thinking right now. hehe

I saw Matt today. He helped me with my car. It makes noises when i accelerate. He looked at it and gave me stuff to out in it. I didnt have to pay for it. He's so sweet. He's like my big brother.

Speaking of my big brother, he gets out of jail aug 2nd. i miss him. I wish ashley wasnt leaving for rockfish. Then id have someone to be excited for me for the things in my life. Most people are too concerned about what is goign on in their life so they never ask me whats going on in mine. There are some that are too caught up in their own lives to remember there is someone that cares about them and wants to talk to them. But im about ready to let go. The only thing that keeps me holding on is the fact that it wouldnt effect them so i dont know if its worth it. I want to go to the beach on tuesday. That would make me really happy.